I'm a .... get me outta here....

Yo Friday peops

Not going to mention my (I think it’s becoming annual?) sad “I’m a…. get me outta here” people watching in the jungle – because I know some of you consider it tasteless and banal, however I’m finding the characters soooooo fascinating – the loud mouth wannabees – who you initially hate but come to love and respect because they speak their minds and are open and honest, however seemingly politically incorrect, then there are the sinister crafty gits who load the gun for someone else to fire the bullets – and why are they always short, fat, ugly and weird ;-) ? Then there are the quiet young ones, who are just watching bemused by it all – and hoping they don’t become like the older pillocks…………… anyway enough about work – has anyone been watching Ant & Dec? :-D

Don’t I just know it’s a full moon week – people are all over the shop /weather is all over the shop – 4” of snow last weekend (see pics of my garding... aaaaahhhhh :-),





then the freezing weather burst Hillarie’s pipes – well not Hillarie’s as such – just a big 43” water main - she and her posh neighbours in Edgbaaaarston had “A river runs through it” moment – and indeed there was a short film made – ..... and Hils and her sis who was visiting only knew they were under water when their mom phoned to ask what was happening as she’d seen it on the news! Bless! Follow the link so you can see one of the proud neighbours posing – apparently Hils says if we get down there fast this weekend there is loads of gravel for the taking!

Humungus thanks to Numpty, Sarah B, mommy, Stella, Claire W & Margaret (wow the babysitting sounded exciting!) for the wine/counselling and reality check e-mails/phone calls this week – am off now to watch reality TV jungle – though (yes H') I think it’s all a fix this year - and then am heading off for a ramble with Gazza this weekend in Gloucester – on a steam train – where, believe me – I’ll be letting some off!

Bye for now – few personal messages - cos I can’t be arsed to phone you – well done to Sarah B for escaping down the tunnel to a new workplace that treats you like gold dust – long may it continue…. Well done Charlie for getting a promo – remember me when you need a Band 5 PA, hello Kiwis – a parcel is on it’s way – which may not get through customs due to the description on the label - let’s see eh? Herty boy – are you ok – I’ve missed you? Loose and Manda – see you Tuesday at Cheeky Monkey – Clive? Jane – see you at Jam House Thursday J with Roy Wood. Andy – did you & Bex beat the weather in Wales? Ndaba – you down the mine and out of range or something?

It’s nearly the weekend – get me outta here….

Have a fab one folks :-)

Kimmie x

Thought I’d share this Blog chat I received from Paul Foot’s site (link on my Facebook profile):

Strapped for cash? Got a child?

Then register for child benefit.Simply hand over your banking details to your local benefit (fraud) office to receive the money.

Please do not read the following small print, if you value your health:

1. You understand that your personal details will be held on a secure government computer and will not be read by junior civil servants, asthey’ll be using the computer mainly for Facebook and video games.

2. You warrant that, if the data is transferred, it will be placed in a secure Jiffy bag, marked “Sensitive information relating to half the UK population – do not steal.” Also, valuable taxpayers’ money will be saved by not sending the package by registered post.

3. You agree to your personal details and those of your children being shared with other government departments; as well as Kevin the dodgy courier, Thelma Thief and Paddy Pervert.

4. If your details should go missing, you will help the Government look for the disc down the back of the sofa, in lay-bys and amongst your associates in the criminal underworld.

Brown Bread saga continues....Do 100 lines - Must do better!!

Hello Friday peops

A rollercoaster of a week – the brown bread e-mail saga continues to haunt me – doh! (dough… get it?)……….and allegedly had a career-limiting effect ;-) .. blimey - so I was going somewhere then?

Who’d have thought that brown bread had such mighty powers?
Mr Warburton probably ;-)

So begins the tale of my highs and lows – Tuesday – panic amongst the troops when they hear through the jungle drums (internal memo) that something "big" has gone down and so the troops e-mail Auntie Kim, the fountain of all knowledge to seek guidance and reassurance, however I cannot offer any – as I have no idea what they fret about as I was missed off the memo…. and thus sadly cannot shed any light and calm my poor panicked troops, so I respond….with what may have effectively become my letter of notice…..with words to the effect………

“ Dear troops,

Thank you for bringing this to my attention - unfortunately I know nothing about this internal memo rergarding the security scare, blah blah blah blah…..

However, on a positive note, I did receive the global memo that we now have brown bread available in the WRVS shop, and so am reassured that some essential mail is getting through……..”

It was very useful as a learning opportunity when on Thursday a Trust Senior Manager informed me that the content of my response to the troops was “rude, undermining, flippant, and facetious" (or RUFF for short...) – and I guess the reason he took me aside and spoke to me rather than send an e-mail was that ‘facetious’ probably wasn’t coming up on spell check – indeed the slow and somewhat painful delivery of 'said word' told me he was having trouble getting his tongue around it anyway….. :-)

I indeed accept that I am having difficulty separating humour from sarcasm, however I think this is an inherent problem with anyone who works for the public sector, and if you can’t laugh at yourself and the situation you find yourself in – then it’s time to move on…… which is why today I have accepted the kind offer of further training (at some minor cost to you taxpayers) to improve on my aggressive approach – so you’ll all be pleased to know that I shall be turning over a new leaf …… will I Bollox!?

Anyway, thank you to all those who have e-mailed me since with offers of cleaning jobs in your various organisations – I am going to spend the weekend considering them, and get back to you in my usual anal order if that’s OK?

On a positive note, as it is always good to end on one if possible, I had a great night out last night with the girlies from work watching some Broadway Blockbuster snippets in an 'Am Dram' production, and were the youngest in the auditorium – it was fun sitting with the Saga ‘night-outers’ – clapping along to some gutsy numbers including some apt ones which somehow added closure for me…. those that stick in my mind are ‘The point of no return’ (from Phantom) and Mr Cellophane (from Chicago)………… follow the hyperlink -the lyrics are so good :-)

Anyway I might sound low but I’m really laughing at the madness of it all – and the two glasses of wine I had with Stella after work have started my weekend nicely (happy birthday Stella!!!)

Have a fab weekend folks – Rich/Manda – thanks for your lovely letter to mom and dad and the photos of the sproglets - made their day :-) They are also glad you like your Christmas present and are keen that you hang on to it for as long as you like!! 51 days and counting……

Miss Cellophane :-) x

PS Couldn’t resist sharing another “rude, undermining, flippant and facetious e-mail” that Nessa sent – thanks Nessa - it was allegedly a genuine complaint - and the sarcasm is quite subtle - you might even miss it....... ;-) Follow this hyperlink - Sarcastic e-mail

Pianists playing, blue sky thinking & brown bread bollox!

Hiya Friday peops

Been burning the candle at both ends – yes – two nights out this week so will keep this short as I’m a tired ol’ girl :-)

Last week’s bimble round Acton Trussell was very nice – yes one of those moments - feeling like a teenager again – only cos the walk leader treats us like kids – “SINGLE FILE, DON ‘T TREAD ON THE GRASS – IT’S A CROP!” sort of stuff…..I’m tempted to put big woolly mitts tied with a piece of string through my jacket and pin a list of instructions to my lapel – like “Do not feed her E numbers for lunch – she will go for your jugular….”

Last night I sat and chilled listening to Einaudi at Warwick arts Centre, and tonight I went to town to say goodbye to one of our lovely administrative staff Sarah, who is off to work for a real organisation….. I drove in cos it’s Diwali – and getting a taxi is a nightmare!

This week at work we’ve had an ‘Away Day’ with lots of blue sky thinking… which was of course ‘outside the box’, not working in silos, raising the bar, lean thinking – and to be honest I feel all bottomed out……..so I’ve been doing a lot of ‘activity deficit substitution’ (aka looking busy). Mind you, I’m pleased to bring you some breaking good news in times of NHS cutbacks, and news of us starving patients – we had a global e-mail announcing, (and this was real….. )

“John has asked me to inform you all that toast made with brown bread, as well as white bread, will be available from Monday onwards at the WRVS.”

Evidence, indeed, if any was needed, that we are constantly striving for better NHS provision……………….

Have a fab weekend

Kimmie x

Numpty has sent something similar before, but after today I shall be trying some………….

10 tips to liven up a meeting....

1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. 6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Hallowe'en trick or treat revenge :-O

Hi Friday peops

Busy week for the ASBOs eh? I loved the look on their :-O Hallowe'en ‘scream masks’ when they came knocking on my door – and I laughed like a hyena and helped myself out of their ‘treat bag’ – bet that was a first for them – well, I’d had a bad day at work and needed chocolate!

I have decided that this week the message I have received loud and clear is that being politically incorrect is the new ‘correct’ – Jeremy Clarkson won a TV award this week – and let’s face it he’s brilliantly ‘Un-PC’, and I think I started my new movement after Tuesday’s comedy club where Pat kindly lent me Clive again for the night and there was a brilliant comedian called Rudi Lickwood – look out for him – he was well good man – wicked smile – gappy toothed giggly Eddie Murphy look – but much funnier than him - and some wickedly contentious topics – which always go down well with the discerning crowd at Cheeky Monkey. Go to this MySpace link for a quick peek.

I’m off to Acton Trussell tomorrow – because I can :-)
Happy weekend folks

Kimmie x

Found these on JDR’s Liff Collection (follow link) – see Acton Trussell :-)


Introduction;- The basic idea behind the “Meaning of Liff” books, by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, was to use place-names as the basis of dictionary-style definitions that describe objects or situations that had previously had no name. Adams et al used place names from all over the world, I’ve only used British ones so far.

--------- A ---------
Aberlemno (n.) The little shelf on a Wimbledon umpire's stepladder used for holding soft drinks.
Abernant (vb.) Absolutely refusing to admit that it was you who was seen on holiday in Rhyl.
Abertillery (n.) Highly unsuccessful medieval Welsh military machines which fired high-velocity leeks and entirely failed to bring down the walls of Caernarfon castle.
Acharacle (n.) The sound of someone having a really good scratch.
Achnacloich (vb.) A panic-stricken lunge to knock off the spider that has just been spotted in the Achnaha (q.v.).
Achnagarron (n.) The feeling of horror upon realising that the Achnacloich (q.v.) has only succeeded in sending the spider scurrying for cover into your nether-garments.
Achnaha (vb.) To suddenly notice the large hairy spider that has been crawling up your leg or constructing a web between your knees.
Acton Trussel (n. archaic) A close friend to whom a Knight bound for the Crusades would entrust the keys to his wife's chastity belt. A large percentage of the British population are thought to be direct descendents of Acton Trussels.
Adbolton (n.) A patch that you have to download from the Internet in order to make a program actually do what it said it would do on the box.

Hello darkness my old friend it's end of British Summer Time again

Hi there Friday peops

Sod the Sad!

Health & Safety have featured highly again this week……sad but true it’s “European Week for Health & Safety at Work 2007” :-/

”Hello darkness my old friend……” – yes, ‘British Summertime’ officially ends this weekend…..personally I think it was some time back in April myself…. and the clocks go back an hour – so we can save daylight – how does that work when all we do is lop an hour from the evening and move it to the morning for a bit – so it’s the same amount? …..it’s William Willett’s fault – he started it all in 1907 so we’ve been at it for a whole century now - apparently if we adopted Central European time we’d get a later sunrise in winter and outdoor workers would be “particularly affected” as would the Northerners and Scots – so sod us SAD people in central England – with a Scot in charge of the rules now, we’ve no hope! The good news though is that next week the clocks in all the offices at work will be right again cos they were never moved forward in the Spring :-)

I was climbing the indoor wall at Moseley again on Tuesday night – three very wobbly trips to the ceiling – wobbly cos those harnesses didn’t do much for my cheeks – and yes my bum did look big… the boys looked impressive tho’…… ;-P - and when I was lowered I was wobbling all over like Acorn Antiques’ Mrs Overall – every muscle dancing to it’s own tune – and still are three days later! This year Health & Safety have issued guidance on ‘Working from Heights’ for cavers and climbers….building on their 2005 work with steeplejacks and window cleaners - you can just imagine our beautiful crags littered with red triangular warning signs and air cushions at the base of Scafell Pike!

I’m off walking in the Malverns tomorrow –Gary will of course have done a full risk assessment on the hazards - ie lack of pubs or tea rooms, lack of decent totty to chat to and of course if it is drizzling the issue of the carefully applied mascara running down the boys’ faces……………

Well – better go now – this one’s for Numpty
PS Well done Floribunda – your Bok Boys did you proud! Thanks for my weight watchers Pork and mush stroganoff on Wednesday Issie – it has counterbalanced the amazing amount of chocolate I’ve put away this week – my winter comfort eating has started early this year :-D

Have a fab weekend folks

Kimmie x

October 21st was Trafalgar Day…….. long one but apt - go to this joke link - Trafalgar – Health & Safety guidelines for what would have happened if Nelson had to follow Health & Safety rules......

Bollox Bolloxius Bolloxum zero tolerance zone

Hello Friday peops

Bollox Bolloxius Bolloxum – my favourite word of the week. Ms Zero Tolerance here….. Lots of ups and downs - and knock downs, however have ended the week on a high note – having knocked someone over – now I know it’s not politically correct to be pleased about something like that, but it did cheer me up after the middle bit of the week was rather full of Bollox! More of that at the end…

Last weekend the lovely Ken celebrated his double 25th birthday and was well chuffed with his surprise cake (see pics) which I lovingly made and Gary contributed towards – so we had a nice pub dinner after a lovely sunny walk round Snowshill – with fab people!

We had a real belly laugh – at the expense of a MCP – the first of many to talk Bollox this week…… it became apparent that one of the guys was using his girlfriend as his Sherpa for the day, much to Martin’s dismay who spent the whole day trying to figure out how he could persuade one of us girlies to do it for him next time – so imagine the response when Martin (tongue in cheek) asked Mr MCP for advice – and he oinked, sorry, responded with “Well, you don’t have a dog, and…..b…. “ :-O .... before he could finish his sentence, there were 45 pairs of eyes drilling holes through his thick pig skin – tee hee…….

Tuesday - spent the day on a split shift with a lovely nurse called Ann, bombing round the north of Birmingham scooping people out of bed, bathing, showering, shovelling food down them, sitting them out in comfy chairs, before another team went round, I think about 30 minutes behind us – judging by the amount of cars we kept passing with other nurses from the same team!.....scooping them all up again and putting them back to bed! In the evening then went with the lovely Clive to the Comedy Club in the evening – to unwind – three brill comedians on…

The rest of the week at work I’ve been a bit of a rebel without a cause, cos as you all know these statistics about the poor and excellent hospitals are also a load of Bollox – the figures are so easily ‘doctored’ – pardon the pun – but hey ho – the hospital where they starved mom, moved her bed into the gangway of the DVT clinic and gave her a dressing trolley to eat off got a ‘good’ so that’s alright then!

Needless to say when I was told to behave today because ‘someone important’ was coming round, I used my favourite word of the week again to my Boss – ‘Bollox’ in this instance could be seen as a bit of a career limiting word – am I bovered? NO! Thing is, that implies that I don’t behave the rest of the time – and those of you who know me know that what you see is what you get, so after a long day of ‘behaving’, and trying to sort out the usual Friday pile of Bollox, I get a phone call five minutes before I leave work from someone who thinks they are important at Trust to ask for something they should have chased in March, and the deadline for this information is 5 o’clock today – oh dear, what a shame – and all those mummies who have gone home early to put their kids on E-bay for half-term are not to be found – and the mummies have the answers… so I suddenly find the phone line breaking up…. and I leopard crawled out of the building to the car park, camouflaged with the thick skin of a typical NHS middle manager, and went shopping in Kings Heath….. this is where I knocked someone over – well to be more precise he knocked himself over – and I still don’t really know how I stayed upright – but think it was a force field of bolloxum energies…

A trio of teenage ASBO cyclists were giving it the old BMX ‘Red Arrow formation’ wheelie jobbies along the pavement, so I sneered at the first one as he brushed my side, which in hindsight was a bit silly as it made the second in command rather cross - so he steered towards me with a steely look in his eye, locked onto his target :-O and then suddenly glanced off my right knee?!? spirals off to my right in a rather spectacular nose dive crashing onto the pavement, sadly all organs were intact :-( so when Red ASBO three braked in front of my now puffed out chest – he knew better and peeled off to the left – the passengers on the No. 45 enjoying a free show – and me – I was left standing with a tyre mark up my winter weight Nora Batties!! Now, come on – who amongst you feel like me - a sense of smug satisfaction when these silly little boys learn not to mess with us middle age urban warriors?!? :-D

Have a fab weekend folks – I’m off deer watching tomorrow – I’ll probably end up rutting knowing the mood I’m in :-)

Kimmie x

A man was cycling fast down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. A woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at him: "PIG! PIG!!". He flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH! COW!!". Then he collided with the pig!

Bridget Jones tries to join the circus

Yo Friday peops

Hope you have all had a good week – as per… it has been weird and wonderful.

Tuesday night I went with Pat’s Clive and a couple of pals from work to our local Pub Comedy club – the Cheeky Monkey - three ‘turns’ – first good, middle bombed, but the top act was Mandy Knight– fab! I got called 'Sir' so will wear a skirt next week.....

Loved her singledom put downs – and could so relate to her wonderful one liners …..like…. when you are at family weddings – and the old aunts come up and say to you in that usual patronising manner “Don’t worry love … you’ll be next ….” while pinching your cheeks….. her idea of revenge ….. and I WILL be using it.... is to do the same to them at family funerals – God knows we have enough of them – so it wont be long before I can try that one out!

Last night I took the old uns to Cirque du Soleil’s ‘Delirium’ show – it was their 47th anniversary present plus Christmas present ….. it was absolutely amazing – the special effects and acrobatics were exquisite… I was quite taken with the very large African drummers as well – they didn’t just have six packs – they had crates!

Mind you, I was sort of hoping they might get the bug and run away and join the circus, but alas, I noticed when I drove out of the car park at high speed, they had managed to hang on to the bumpers and door handles so I pulled over so they didn’t mess up the paintwork.

I was naughty tonight and called Kiwi land and started to ask them in my poshest English accent – yes Sharpie I do have one…..about how they feel about English people visiting their homeland…. and Rich (tut tut) starts to make excuses about bathing the baby – well, now I know that was lies cos 20 minutes later I get a fabulous photo of the kiddlings all fully dressed – see the pic here..... amazing what Rich managed while chatting to me on the phone at the same time eh!!! :-D Laugh!!!!! It was soooo good to hear those accents again.

Lucia told me all about her party skirt and hair ribbons, Sam told me that when he was born he was just a baby (I bet Manda was relieved about that!) and that he was going to play with Scott and Manda tells me me they might even have a roof on their house by the time I get there – so all good stuff!! Apparently there is one builder Manda says would suit – and she has taste cos she has Rich – so I’m not too worried if it’s not finished - I might just take a hard hat and get plastered ;-)


Anyway – must dash – bath is getting cold and wine is getting warm…. off to the Cotswolds tomorrow to celebrate the lovely Ken’s 50th – before coming home to watch the rugby – Rich, I’m sorry your boys are out – cos some of them have lovely thighs…..but I’m really watching it so I can see the ‘Cave man’ – I know I should be supporting England, and I still wont be buying their apples .. but ;-)……………………………………..

Kimmie x

Found this on t’internet –it really helped me understand rugby….

THE FORWARDS
There are eight forwards: They take part in scrums, lineouts, rucks, and mauls - essentially everything that is meaningful in the game. The close physical work necessary for the forwards engenders a sense of comradeship not shared by the prancing, self-centered and effeminate backs. The game has evolved, thank goodness, with multi-phase possession allowing the forwards to demonstrate their running ability with the ball.

Props and Hookers: The front row is the cauldron, the foundation for all good rugby play. The front row is noted for their power and good looks, like no necks, battered ears, and S-shaped noses. Such players are noted for their intelligence and longevity well into their forties.

Second Row: The second row is the engine room where the power flows. The second row - or lock forward - is tall, with plenty of leverage strength in the legs. He must be productive in the lineouts as a jumper or supporter. Mobility is added plus. The second row is much appreciated by the front row for their power in the scrummage but they are generally not as good looking as the front row.

The loose forwards: The loose forwards include the #8 and the flankers. The loose forwards are respected by the front row for their mobility, fitness, defense and support work. The loosey must have tremendous fitness and ball fetching instincts which are not completely understood or trusted by the props and hooker, who are perfectly content to scrummage all day for the ball.

The Scrum-half: The little scrum half provides the ball to the backs when the forwards are damn well ready for the strutting backs to knock it forward. The forwards have grudging respect for the scrum-half because he trys hard and is not afraid to get dirty with the rest of the scrummies. The wise scrum-half will drink and buy beers for the scrummies to maintain his favored position with the forwards.

THE BACKS
The FlyhalfIt is rumored that the Fly has the best vision, hands, kicking ability, and overall tactical decision making ability on the side. The forwards do not understand or trust this individual. The hard-working scrummies generally expect and anticipate a knock forward from the fly so they can have the pleasure of another scrum-down.

The Centers: These hombres are supposed to be deadly tacklers, with strong running instincts and good hands. Alas, the centers are lumped in there with the prancing flyhalf. If the fly doesn't knock on, surely one of the centers will muff it up so the scrummies can experience the joy and satisfaction of another scrum-down.

The Fullback and Wingers: These guys may as well be from Mars. They are allegedly fast with excellent striking ability. They are supposed to score lots of trys, catch the high ball, and counter attack with flair. But the stark reality (well understood by the forwards) is that the fullback and wingers prance and preen more than the inside backs. They don't get dirty and are always playing with their hair and pulling on their collars. In fact their sexual orientation has been called into question on numerous occasions. Some props think fullbacks and wingers are "real purdy."