Last Sunday I went on a blowy refreshing walk around Cropredy with Gary regaling us with stories of the Civil war – trying to read the Information Panels upside down and sound clever :-)…. superb day…..I get home, all refreshed and rosy, shower and put me Jim Jams on…. chill out, and am just about to head up the ‘wooden hill’ to bed early, when mom phones…apparently dad is in ‘a bit of a state’, and she didn’t know where to start….so not quite knowing what to expect, I get dressed and head over to see wassup………….
Oh dear, it was like the scene from Monty Python’s ‘Meaning of Life’…..remember the sketch…. “One more wafer thin mint?....”
Anyway, poor sod was like a mobile fountain – with dual pump action - and had pretty much redecorated the house, and I think in hindsight the only reason mom needed me was to help decide whether the hues that dad was spraying matched the current décor and should stay – they didn’t and they didn’t :-(
So I go into ‘Wonder Woman/Nanny McPhee’ mode - using mom as assistant runner, while dad did the runners…..so to speak…. He was all spruced up and ready for bed in no time – well about two hours actually….. it’s not easy in a little bathroom which has a door with an industrial closing mechanism on – and (I used to think this was sweet….) a little mouse holding a tinkly bell…. well after about the fifth time I’d had the door shut up me arse, the ‘sweet’ mouse had a flannel unceremoniously stuffed up it’s own tinkly bell!.... (think it’s still there…)
For those of you who have been to their house you’ll know all the funny stuff they have around – clocks everywhere – and the old metal advertising hoards in the bathroom suddenly seemed so apt – and yes, they really are there - I took these with my mobile pohone today!
....And then being the dutiful daughter and not feeling good about leaving him with the assistant runner on her own, I set him up on the settee, and pulled up one of their lovely leather reclining chairs and a stool and settled in for the night…. and sent mom off to bed.
BING BONG BING BONG……. I had put the chair under their lovely Westminster clock… I shot up – and the chair folded me bolt upright with a very loud ‘bum on leather’ farting noise! Poor dad thought it was him – oh dear….….. "No dad it was me….” It then bonged every 15 minutes… which was useful I suppose cos at least I could time poor dad’s trips - every hour or so with one or other of his dual pumps spouting!
It stopped bonging at midnight – so I thought to myself at least I’ll get a bit some kip – when suddenly I was having a light shone in my face – an Intruder? No – mom has got security timers on the lamps and on and off they pop all night……we make it through to morning with dad still really poorly….Doc comes – Winter Vomiting Virus – blah blah…gets sorted…
I give mom a lesson (not that the houseproud bugger needs one….) on how to sterilise furniture and fittings – in between escorting pops to poops…and nagging him to drink even tho it didn’t stay down for long. I was quite proud of our multitasking…..anyway to cut a long story short, I stayed another night – with Mr Clock’s volume turned down, the security lights all turned off, the chair screwed tighter to stop me ejecting…. and sent mom off to bed again....dad needs loo, I switch main light on and set off the burglar alarm – the ‘main light’ apparently interferes with it – I’ll bloody interfere with it…..then at last zzzzzzzzzzz, 1am in the morning .....
WOKKA WOKKA - the police helicopter is hovering over the house – oh deep joy!!
Anyway – the old sod is better, me and mom haven’t gone down with it – and think we’re beyond the incubation time – so am planning on renting her out to the Hospitals to provide expert advice on deep cleaning - so she can earn me a few pennies!
I’m back at work after having a ‘crisis’ day off – think I’m only ‘allowed’ one crisis a year….
I was supposed to be partying at Centre Parcs this weekend but am relieved I managed to cancel - cos I’m the crankiest, moaniest, knackered old nag bag – (nothing new there then) and am going to spend the weekend asleep!
Have a good un folks
1 comment:
Can I have some of that laxative for my boss please? I so want to see him run!
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