I'm a .... get me outta here....

Yo Friday peops

Not going to mention my (I think it’s becoming annual?) sad “I’m a…. get me outta here” people watching in the jungle – because I know some of you consider it tasteless and banal, however I’m finding the characters soooooo fascinating – the loud mouth wannabees – who you initially hate but come to love and respect because they speak their minds and are open and honest, however seemingly politically incorrect, then there are the sinister crafty gits who load the gun for someone else to fire the bullets – and why are they always short, fat, ugly and weird ;-) ? Then there are the quiet young ones, who are just watching bemused by it all – and hoping they don’t become like the older pillocks…………… anyway enough about work – has anyone been watching Ant & Dec? :-D

Don’t I just know it’s a full moon week – people are all over the shop /weather is all over the shop – 4” of snow last weekend (see pics of my garding... aaaaahhhhh :-),





then the freezing weather burst Hillarie’s pipes – well not Hillarie’s as such – just a big 43” water main - she and her posh neighbours in Edgbaaaarston had “A river runs through it” moment – and indeed there was a short film made – ..... and Hils and her sis who was visiting only knew they were under water when their mom phoned to ask what was happening as she’d seen it on the news! Bless! Follow the link so you can see one of the proud neighbours posing – apparently Hils says if we get down there fast this weekend there is loads of gravel for the taking!

Humungus thanks to Numpty, Sarah B, mommy, Stella, Claire W & Margaret (wow the babysitting sounded exciting!) for the wine/counselling and reality check e-mails/phone calls this week – am off now to watch reality TV jungle – though (yes H') I think it’s all a fix this year - and then am heading off for a ramble with Gazza this weekend in Gloucester – on a steam train – where, believe me – I’ll be letting some off!

Bye for now – few personal messages - cos I can’t be arsed to phone you – well done to Sarah B for escaping down the tunnel to a new workplace that treats you like gold dust – long may it continue…. Well done Charlie for getting a promo – remember me when you need a Band 5 PA, hello Kiwis – a parcel is on it’s way – which may not get through customs due to the description on the label - let’s see eh? Herty boy – are you ok – I’ve missed you? Loose and Manda – see you Tuesday at Cheeky Monkey – Clive? Jane – see you at Jam House Thursday J with Roy Wood. Andy – did you & Bex beat the weather in Wales? Ndaba – you down the mine and out of range or something?

It’s nearly the weekend – get me outta here….

Have a fab one folks :-)

Kimmie x

Thought I’d share this Blog chat I received from Paul Foot’s site (link on my Facebook profile):

Strapped for cash? Got a child?

Then register for child benefit.Simply hand over your banking details to your local benefit (fraud) office to receive the money.

Please do not read the following small print, if you value your health:

1. You understand that your personal details will be held on a secure government computer and will not be read by junior civil servants, asthey’ll be using the computer mainly for Facebook and video games.

2. You warrant that, if the data is transferred, it will be placed in a secure Jiffy bag, marked “Sensitive information relating to half the UK population – do not steal.” Also, valuable taxpayers’ money will be saved by not sending the package by registered post.

3. You agree to your personal details and those of your children being shared with other government departments; as well as Kevin the dodgy courier, Thelma Thief and Paddy Pervert.

4. If your details should go missing, you will help the Government look for the disc down the back of the sofa, in lay-bys and amongst your associates in the criminal underworld.

Brown Bread saga continues....Do 100 lines - Must do better!!

Hello Friday peops

A rollercoaster of a week – the brown bread e-mail saga continues to haunt me – doh! (dough… get it?)……….and allegedly had a career-limiting effect ;-) .. blimey - so I was going somewhere then?

Who’d have thought that brown bread had such mighty powers?
Mr Warburton probably ;-)

So begins the tale of my highs and lows – Tuesday – panic amongst the troops when they hear through the jungle drums (internal memo) that something "big" has gone down and so the troops e-mail Auntie Kim, the fountain of all knowledge to seek guidance and reassurance, however I cannot offer any – as I have no idea what they fret about as I was missed off the memo…. and thus sadly cannot shed any light and calm my poor panicked troops, so I respond….with what may have effectively become my letter of notice…..with words to the effect………

“ Dear troops,

Thank you for bringing this to my attention - unfortunately I know nothing about this internal memo rergarding the security scare, blah blah blah blah…..

However, on a positive note, I did receive the global memo that we now have brown bread available in the WRVS shop, and so am reassured that some essential mail is getting through……..”

It was very useful as a learning opportunity when on Thursday a Trust Senior Manager informed me that the content of my response to the troops was “rude, undermining, flippant, and facetious" (or RUFF for short...) – and I guess the reason he took me aside and spoke to me rather than send an e-mail was that ‘facetious’ probably wasn’t coming up on spell check – indeed the slow and somewhat painful delivery of 'said word' told me he was having trouble getting his tongue around it anyway….. :-)

I indeed accept that I am having difficulty separating humour from sarcasm, however I think this is an inherent problem with anyone who works for the public sector, and if you can’t laugh at yourself and the situation you find yourself in – then it’s time to move on…… which is why today I have accepted the kind offer of further training (at some minor cost to you taxpayers) to improve on my aggressive approach – so you’ll all be pleased to know that I shall be turning over a new leaf …… will I Bollox!?

Anyway, thank you to all those who have e-mailed me since with offers of cleaning jobs in your various organisations – I am going to spend the weekend considering them, and get back to you in my usual anal order if that’s OK?

On a positive note, as it is always good to end on one if possible, I had a great night out last night with the girlies from work watching some Broadway Blockbuster snippets in an 'Am Dram' production, and were the youngest in the auditorium – it was fun sitting with the Saga ‘night-outers’ – clapping along to some gutsy numbers including some apt ones which somehow added closure for me…. those that stick in my mind are ‘The point of no return’ (from Phantom) and Mr Cellophane (from Chicago)………… follow the hyperlink -the lyrics are so good :-)

Anyway I might sound low but I’m really laughing at the madness of it all – and the two glasses of wine I had with Stella after work have started my weekend nicely (happy birthday Stella!!!)

Have a fab weekend folks – Rich/Manda – thanks for your lovely letter to mom and dad and the photos of the sproglets - made their day :-) They are also glad you like your Christmas present and are keen that you hang on to it for as long as you like!! 51 days and counting……

Miss Cellophane :-) x

PS Couldn’t resist sharing another “rude, undermining, flippant and facetious e-mail” that Nessa sent – thanks Nessa - it was allegedly a genuine complaint - and the sarcasm is quite subtle - you might even miss it....... ;-) Follow this hyperlink - Sarcastic e-mail

Pianists playing, blue sky thinking & brown bread bollox!

Hiya Friday peops

Been burning the candle at both ends – yes – two nights out this week so will keep this short as I’m a tired ol’ girl :-)

Last week’s bimble round Acton Trussell was very nice – yes one of those moments - feeling like a teenager again – only cos the walk leader treats us like kids – “SINGLE FILE, DON ‘T TREAD ON THE GRASS – IT’S A CROP!” sort of stuff…..I’m tempted to put big woolly mitts tied with a piece of string through my jacket and pin a list of instructions to my lapel – like “Do not feed her E numbers for lunch – she will go for your jugular….”

Last night I sat and chilled listening to Einaudi at Warwick arts Centre, and tonight I went to town to say goodbye to one of our lovely administrative staff Sarah, who is off to work for a real organisation….. I drove in cos it’s Diwali – and getting a taxi is a nightmare!

This week at work we’ve had an ‘Away Day’ with lots of blue sky thinking… which was of course ‘outside the box’, not working in silos, raising the bar, lean thinking – and to be honest I feel all bottomed out……..so I’ve been doing a lot of ‘activity deficit substitution’ (aka looking busy). Mind you, I’m pleased to bring you some breaking good news in times of NHS cutbacks, and news of us starving patients – we had a global e-mail announcing, (and this was real….. )

“John has asked me to inform you all that toast made with brown bread, as well as white bread, will be available from Monday onwards at the WRVS.”

Evidence, indeed, if any was needed, that we are constantly striving for better NHS provision……………….

Have a fab weekend

Kimmie x

Numpty has sent something similar before, but after today I shall be trying some………….

10 tips to liven up a meeting....

1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. 6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Hallowe'en trick or treat revenge :-O

Hi Friday peops

Busy week for the ASBOs eh? I loved the look on their :-O Hallowe'en ‘scream masks’ when they came knocking on my door – and I laughed like a hyena and helped myself out of their ‘treat bag’ – bet that was a first for them – well, I’d had a bad day at work and needed chocolate!

I have decided that this week the message I have received loud and clear is that being politically incorrect is the new ‘correct’ – Jeremy Clarkson won a TV award this week – and let’s face it he’s brilliantly ‘Un-PC’, and I think I started my new movement after Tuesday’s comedy club where Pat kindly lent me Clive again for the night and there was a brilliant comedian called Rudi Lickwood – look out for him – he was well good man – wicked smile – gappy toothed giggly Eddie Murphy look – but much funnier than him - and some wickedly contentious topics – which always go down well with the discerning crowd at Cheeky Monkey. Go to this MySpace link for a quick peek.

I’m off to Acton Trussell tomorrow – because I can :-)
Happy weekend folks

Kimmie x

Found these on JDR’s Liff Collection (follow link) – see Acton Trussell :-)


Introduction;- The basic idea behind the “Meaning of Liff” books, by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, was to use place-names as the basis of dictionary-style definitions that describe objects or situations that had previously had no name. Adams et al used place names from all over the world, I’ve only used British ones so far.

--------- A ---------
Aberlemno (n.) The little shelf on a Wimbledon umpire's stepladder used for holding soft drinks.
Abernant (vb.) Absolutely refusing to admit that it was you who was seen on holiday in Rhyl.
Abertillery (n.) Highly unsuccessful medieval Welsh military machines which fired high-velocity leeks and entirely failed to bring down the walls of Caernarfon castle.
Acharacle (n.) The sound of someone having a really good scratch.
Achnacloich (vb.) A panic-stricken lunge to knock off the spider that has just been spotted in the Achnaha (q.v.).
Achnagarron (n.) The feeling of horror upon realising that the Achnacloich (q.v.) has only succeeded in sending the spider scurrying for cover into your nether-garments.
Achnaha (vb.) To suddenly notice the large hairy spider that has been crawling up your leg or constructing a web between your knees.
Acton Trussel (n. archaic) A close friend to whom a Knight bound for the Crusades would entrust the keys to his wife's chastity belt. A large percentage of the British population are thought to be direct descendents of Acton Trussels.
Adbolton (n.) A patch that you have to download from the Internet in order to make a program actually do what it said it would do on the box.